Monday, February 25, 2013

Dating Advice - Jane Austen and the Narrator


         Pride and Prejudice is one of a select few books whose advice outlives its time period. Though we now rarely have arranged marriages, or formal balls, or many of the things prevalent in Victorian England, many of the same issues still plague modern lovers as did then, and Austen's novel gives advice that crosses that gap.
Let's start from the beginning. How can one meet that special someone? It was fairly straightforward in Austen's time; attend a ball held by a local notable, dance with a random person, maybe a share a dinner or two, then BAM! You're engaged. However, this was exactly the type of behavior that Austen decried, and beyond that it's not nearly that simple today. Take Darcy and Elizabeth, the story's main protagonists. They don't even dance at the first ball they meet at, yet they are (apparently) one of the most successful couples by the end of the book. The hidden advice? Keep an open mind. It doesn't really matter how you come across your match; you're bound to meet a wide variety of people in everyday life without even trying, assuming you aren't a sociopathic hermit. You'll never realize you've met the "one" until you are able to look past someone's money or looks or pride or whatever is most prominent (but not necessarily important) about them.
That being said, finding love also requires that you get to know an eligible someone on a deeper than normal level. Again, think of Elizabeth and Darcy. When Elizabeth first meets him, we can clearly see that she loathes him for his apparent arrogance and egotism. However, we need to remember that we only see what the narrator wants us to see. We don't know the full story about Wickham until Darcy explains it, we don't know Darcy's true nature, nor do we know anything except Elizabeth's first impressions. Thus, when we learn the truth, it is intended to be as surprising as it was to Elizabeth. The message? Don't stick with your first impressions unless that someone gives you reason to. It's easiest to get to know someone properly when you don't already have a permanent image of them formulated and concrete in your mind.
Once you think you know someone well enough to create a lasting relationship, the next question is to ask is how quickly you want the relationship to progress. Going hand in hand with that, what should signal that a relationship can progress to the "next level", be that next level marriage or otherwise? The answer is as slowly as you need to, and when you both decide. Again, take Darcy and Elizabeth, who the author must have chosen for a reason. Compare them to Lydia and Mr. Wickham. Both pairs end up married, but Lydia and Wickham are clearly a sexual relationship and nothing more, while Darcy and Elizabeth are much more stable and well matched. Also notice how Lydia's courtship lasted a few weeks at most, while Lizzy's took more than a year. The message? Rushing into a relationship is not a good idea; you simply don't have time to ensure that this person is really who you want to spend the rest of your life with. Remember that Lizzy rejected Darcy on his first attempt, though everything about the relationship was slanted in her favor (other than her own happiness), mostly because she hadn't gotten to know him and didn't love him yet. The lesson? Don't be afraid to turn down advances, and don't be offended if you get turned down yourself. Asking for space isn't an insult, it can actually be a compliment; your significant other has recognized you as a potential long term relationship and wants to make an informed decision about you rather than rush into things and risk messing it up. Furthermore, it should be fairly clear to both members in a relationship when to step it up; if either member is unsure, it's not time. Slow and steady doesn't end in a divorce or violent breakup.
Relationships obviously don't follow any strict set of rules, but that doesn't mean there aren't do's and don'ts. Don't form a premature opinion of someone, but do keep an open mind. Don't rush into a relationship, but do make informed rather than hasty decisions. The situations presented in Pride and Prejudice may seem awkward and out of place in our modern world, but that doesn't decrease the weight of the advice they carry.
     

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